Monday, February 23, 2015

He said, "Your ugly face..."

On Saturday, my husband woke up nearly unable to move.  He must have slept wrong or something.  He was in terrible pain.  We had some errands to do as well as 2 basketball games and 1 volleyball game for some of our grandkids.

Unfortunately I had put the wrong time in my calendar for our first of the 3 games and we missed it.  I was heartbroken.  I love going to as many games as possible.  Missing the game gave us some time to do a couple of errands and we took advantage of that time.  

Now remember I said my hubby was in terrible pain.  He was a little short with me because of the pain.  We were in Wal-Mart and something was said.  Normally it wouldn't have been an issue but his response to me (because of the pain) devastated me!  I don't remember the the exact phrase of what he said...I only remember 3 word..."your ugly face."

Those words tore through my heart and took my breath away.  I know those words came out of his mouth ONLY because of the pain he was in.  He has always said I am beautiful.  And I know he didn't mean what he said!  But to me...who has struggled her entire life thinking she is ugly...those words reiterated what I already knew.  I am ugly and now he has decided to agree with me!

Like I said, I know he didn't mean it.  I know he loves me and he thinks I'm beautiful (I am not...I'm not hideous looking, but I am not beautiful).  But my brain is having trouble getting beyond those words.  I can't look at him face to face because the enemy tells me it would turn my hubby's stomach to look full on my face!  I KNOW the enemy is at work right now but I feel powerless to fight!  

We've been married for 38 years and Christians for 34 years...I know all the right things...put on the armor...speak the name of with the love of Christ.  But I also know that the Word of God says that 'out of the abundance of the heart speaks.'  ("34 ...For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks."  Matthew 12:3 NKJV )  

I know...but the enemy will do everything possible to destroy what God as brought together.  I refuse to allow that...but I'm struggling right now.  It's as if a war is going on inside me...he didn't mean it...but why did he say must have been in his heart and because of the pain he wasn't able to hide it anymore.   After all, 38 years is a long time to hide what we really feel. 

I know God will get me through this.  But I think this is like a trust that has been broken...once broken, it takes a l-o-n-g time to rebuild.  It will be a l-o-n-g while before I believe he really thinks I'm beautiful.  I believe God has a nugget of treasure in this for me...I just have to look for it.  Perhaps it is just the reiteration that we cannot take back our words.  Once they are out there, there is no pulling them back in.  That tells me that we better be watchful of what we say.  And if it is in our heart...eventually it will come out of the mouth!!

Have a blessed day!
 photo 9395aed1-73d6-4b03-94eb-2e32132f4de4.png


Jenifer Metzger said...

Well, I for one think you are gorgeous. And I know he thinks that too. But words spoken out of anger hurt bad. He needs to know how badly he has hurt you. But always remember that the ONLY opinion that truly matters is of the One who formed you EXACTLY the way He wanted you and that He loves and treasures you.

Debi said...

Thank you, Jenifer! I know he was just in so much pain and it came out in an inappropriate way. I am having trouble looking at him face to face for fear that there is some truth to what he said! I know...I know...fear is NOT of God and I am praying that God will help me get through this...QUICKLY!

Deane said...

I know you are a gorgeous woman and as you were growing up to be this gorgeous woman that you are today you were a gorgeous child/young woman. I am sorry he said such a thing to you and I am sure he didn't mean it but he said it and coming from someone you love so much really makes a big gash in your heart. It will take some time to get over this but PLEASE remember as Jenifer said the ONLY opinion that truly matters is the one that formed you exactly the way He wanted you, He loves you so much. Yes, I believe your husband NEEDS to know how badly he has hurt you. Love you and will be praying for you to be able to overcome this feeling shortly.